Now, I have been trying to think of a way to talk about this without being offensive, since I have never personally had an eating disorder, and I didn't want to come off sounding condescending, because I really think it is important issue, and a very serious problem affecting so many beautiful people. Also, I may not have had an eating disorder, but I certainly know what it's like to look into a mirror, and want to burst into tears because I hated what I saw. Now that is something I do have experience with.
I've come a long way on my journey to liking myself for who I am, and I still have a long way to go. Every day I am learning to love the way I look, and if I want to change something, to put the effort and hard work into it, instead of insulting myself and making myself feel worthless.
But don't let me fool you into thinking I am an expert. Far from it, as my fiance and best friend could tell you all about. I still have days when I break down, and I tell them both, "Just listen. I need to vent, and right now I don't want to hear how pretty I am, or what have you. Just let me get it out." And I do. Ellie has an easier time with it, I think, because she's a girl and understands. Shane just gets kinda frustrated, because he thinks I'm a supermodel apparently. (Please, let him go on with this way of thinking. I'm kinda fond of it... Haha) It helps me not criticize myself all the time to just have an all out vent session every few months.
It's so easy for me to look at y'all, or my best friend and say, you're crazy, look at how gorgeous you are, stop being insecure. And it is so dang hard for me to take my own advice. I'm so hard on myself, and I hate being told "Stop being so hard on yourself". I think it's because I'm so stubborn. So that's become my mission. To stop insulting myself. That's my goal, my resolution, my whatever you want to call it. From now on, when I want to improve something, that's how I'm going to look at it.
I'm going to take a positive outlook on things, because if I force myself into the habit of thinking nicely about myself, then maybe I'll stop being mean to myself. So, here's my plan. Everyday I'm going to write something nice about myself a hang it up. I'll even take a picture of it. It may seem silly, but who knows. It'll be Katy's version of Operation Beautiful.
I know this isn't directly related to eating disorders, but I think body image and self esteem are huge factors in eating disorders, so I feel it's not completely off topic.
My own personal eating disorder story was a lie. My cousin threw up in the toilet and then told my mom it was me, and that I was bulimic. My mom then confronted me, and tried to get me help (which would have been a good move, if it had been true.) and of course didn't believe me at first, and thought I was denying it.
I was thirteen, and skinny, and my mom was super worried. And, no, my cousin wasn't bulimic and trying to cover it up. She honestly was just a jerk, and trying to get me in trouble.
Anyways, sorry for all of the depressing stuff, but self-esteem is so important, and if knowing that I struggle with it (severely at times) helps anyone else, then it's worth putting out there. I hope everyone has a great day.
Today's note to myself. Right next to the mirror. :)