Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Today' Sad Revelation

Workout: 45 minutes weights (chest) / 1 mi run on TM (9:15)

So I had an awesome chest weights workout today, and was looking forward to my runon the TM, did my stretches, put that mother on 6.5 mph, and took my first step.

And promptly thought my hip was going to SNAP. It was excruciating. I hobbled through a few more steps, and finally got into some sort of stride, and pushed myself through a mile of hell. Seriously, it hurt so badly. I had to stop, hobble over to the stretching mat, and then hobble the 1/2 mile back to my room. I felt like SUCH A FAILURE.

I have had some sort of hip/thigh (it moves) for weeks. I can barely walk without limping, especially with my 300lb 8 lb boots on. I ignore it for the most part, or just try and convince myself it's regular soreness prior to a workout, and I can't let it stop me from working out. After all, I'm 24 years old, and I shouldn't be falling apart from running a measly THREE MILES every so often. Add that to the standard military viewpoint of, if you're hurt and put on limited duty, you are probably just a pansy trying to get out of pt. Needless to say, it was easy to ignore my very real pain.

Not so much anymore. As I was hobbling back to my room to shower and go back to work all I could think was:

I'll never be a runner.
I'll never run a marathon.
I have to give up exercise and my blog.
I'm going to gain a whole bunch of weight.

By the time I got back to my room I was in full breakdown mode. Tears and all. Because before I started exercising seriously, I was just barely getting by out here on this deployment. I would sleep like 13 hours on my days off, and when I was awake, I didn't do anything. Except feel sad. Exercise helped me like times 1000. I look forward to exercise. I get excited about our once a month base 5k's. I love sweating and challenging myself. Mostly sweating. I've pretty much become addicted to endorphines and sweat.

So I grabbed my York Peppermint Pattie, and thought, hey, if I'm gonna stop working out, might as well get serious about gaining my weight.

Then I said "&*^$ that." (Sorry, but I am a sailor, and sometimes I feel a strong word is warranted.) I'm going to medical tomorrow to get a limited duty chit, so I don't have to participate in command pt. I will kick my booty on the elliptical and the rowing machine, (since I am almost completely sure the pain is to blame on a mix of running/stairmaster goodness. My two favorites, of course.) until I have felt NO PAIN (and I am serious about it this time) for at least 2 weeks. Minimum. Then I will re-evaluate and start running SLOWLY. If I can. I'll determine then how I am, injury-wise. Once I get back to the States (and real doctors! Please don't get me started on what "free" healthcare really is.) I will get my hip/thigh checked out, and figure out my options.

If I am able to run again (PLEASE GOD), then I will go down that path. If my stupid ole legs just weren't meant to be runner's legs, I will get back into swimming. (Which I will probably do anyways, since I do love swimming so much.) If I am UNABLE to run I will sob myself to sleep realistically plan new goals for myself, involving swimming. Like THIS. This is something I was going to work on after I had my lofty goal of a marathon under my belt, but maybe it needs to get moved up.

Anyways, what I was trying to get to in this very long novel is this: Just because I can't run (hopefully temporarily), doesn't mean I have to give up my new lifestyle, or joy I get from it. I may need a few more movies on my iPod, and you may want to buy some stock in gossip magazines, since I will be buying them by the dozens to get me through BORING elliptical workouts. But I can do this. And I will.

Off to do non-running things.


  1. I feel like a failure after working out sometimes too. Running is hard sometimes! I have to keep reminding myself of how it makes me feel and how accomplished I feel after training & running a big race. Hope your hip feels better!

  2. Thanks for the comment. I have to remind myself of the same things. That endorphine rush is so amazing, it's worth all the rest.